A dilemma which I have recently found myself in; how to know when my time in a place is done. I have a knack for over-staying. I blame it on my being a Libra. Loyal to a fault, to both humans and places. I have over-stayed on couches, in relationships, in countries that I loved so much that I ignored the little words on the visa stamped into my passport pages…but now I come to a point where, after 12 years in a country that I was not born in, opportunities and, more importantly, inspiration, has dried up. I do believe in signs from a higher being, and at the moment, that being is fervently telling me to pack my bags and get out of there!
All of the things which previously I found made me feel a sense of security, of home, such as friends, a sweet house to live in alone in one of the most beautiful locations I have ever been privileged to see, are gone. The last threads of this tie that have held me to this country for so long are falling away, some very quickly and abruptly, and I find myself wondering why I should stick it out when there is nothing left for me there. I am currently working in another country, due to go home in three months, and I suddenly find myself seeking my next destination. To be honest, I feel like I am seeking an extra-marital relationship! My heart has really belonged to this place for so long, I spent all of my 20s there, good times/emotional times/gut-wrenchingly difficult times, and it is a hard relationship to see come to an end. I know it may not be forever, but it is a serious step away from the home I have made for myself away from my homeland.
Saying this, one of the places I planned to return to in September is Canada. Berlin is also on the list, as is Scandinavia. Oh, and Hawaii.
While I dream of and plan for setting up in these places in future, I must also mention that I am without a trade. I call myself a bit of a ‘Dupree’. And I am fed up with trying to make a living with menial jobs, when these jobs hack away chunks of time that I would like to dedicate to pursuing my passions. I’ve never been able to find that magical balance between the two, if it exists. I have done a few half-hearted attempts at the studying thing, and I have finally, after an exhaustingly long struggle with myself, decided to allow myself to be who I am. And I am NOT a student. I wish I was! Oh, how I wish! The world is much more gentle to people who follow that University – Work path. I envy them. I have taken every single turn-off that main road in my life so far, and to go back to it, even for a year or two, would be crippling for me.
How to combine this constant need for mobility with a sustainable, profitable mode of work? I have done the waitressing/crappy backpacker jobs thing long enough. I find the thought of continuing it at this point to be repulsive. Literally, I am REPULSED. I know my strengths, and my skills, and my passions, and it’s just a matter of being in the right place and making the connections to get started.
I love writing, for one.It’s healing and it never feels like ‘work’ for me. The words just flow out.
See, at the beginning of this post my head was in a spin. I couldn’t focus, I was panicking internally at the uncertain manoeuvres ahead of me and how to carry them out….and by just setting all of this outside of my poor little head, I have regained a teensy smidgen of a foothold of myself.
I thank you, Internet world, for giving us this blank canvas on which we can create, and work out our mind-itches, and see other people’s questions about life. I look forward to finding some answers, SOON! X